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I foresee this half an hour containing 4073098130107507 whiskey bottles because of microwave popcorn

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2020-04-13

Wisdom: If you find yourself peeing alone always remember to give up and go home

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2020-04-13

Wisdom: If you find yourself 'INSERT EMOTION HERE' always remember reading gay motivational posts online won't make you a better person.

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2020-04-13

Wisdom: If you find yourself being fingered always remember to try harder

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2020-04-13

Wisdom: If you find yourself with dandruff always remember to give up and go home

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2020-04-12

I foresee this season containing shitloads of inside out umbrellas because of pencil cases with mashed potatoes in them

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2020-04-12

I foresee this season containing 1088 underwear models because of the polar vortex

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2020-04-11

Wisdom: If you find yourself eating a sandwich always remember block of cheese

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2020-04-11

Wisdom: If you find yourself listening to a llama scream in the dead of night always remember to SELL SELL SELL!

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2020-04-11

Wisdom: If you find yourself reading through SHIT tweets on Twitter always remember reading gay motivational posts online won't make you a better person.

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2020-04-11

I foresee this day containing 44 shower income because of the polar vortex

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2020-04-11

Wisdom: If you find yourself with dandruff always remember no one loves you Dave

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2020-04-11

Wisdom: If you find yourself peeing alone always remember to make tacos

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2020-04-10

Wisdom: If you find yourself peeing alone always remember to try harder

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2020-04-10

I foresee this month containing 20202024483931035718 snakes because of reasons...

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2020-04-10

I foresee this season containing 78 toilet tigers because of the algorithm that writes these tweets

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2020-04-09

Wisdom: If you find yourself with an empty fridge always remember to give up and go home

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2020-04-09

Wisdom: If you find yourself listening to a llama scream in the dead of night always remember to realize you suck

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2020-04-09

I foresee this month containing 283 snakes because of salty pirates on a boat.

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2020-04-08

I foresee this week containing a reasonable amount of bat testicles because of a hat that wears a smaller hat as its hat

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2020-04-08